*Disclaimer: This is raw. Not eloquently written. Probably going to be curse words. You may think less of me, you make think more
of me. At this point, I don’t care. Writing is my outlet and it’s what I do when
the fantastic things happen and the shitty things happen. You’ve been warned.:)
I’m going to rip it off like a band-aid and just say
it. I had a miscarriage. Never thought I would ever utter those
words. Ever. But it happened.
June 3, 2013 will be a day that goes down in history for my
family. We went in for a check up at my
doctor’s office with the excitement and nerves that always exist for pregnancy
check ups. After chatting with my doctor
about the amount of spotting that was happening she laid me back for the
ultrasound to look for more growth and a heart beat.
I laid back and saw it.
I saw the nothingness. Heard the
white noise of the machine but not of my little beans heartbeat rhythmically
beating. I knew it. Doctor looked at me with tears in her
eyes.
“Control yourself Amy.
Frigging control yourself. Not
here. Not now. You had a gut feeling something was off. Get your shit together.”
She then proceeded to talk with us so gently and lovingly
about how we needed to make a plan. She
said the letters I refused to hear.
“D&C”
“Aw screw this, Amy, let it out!”
And I did. Jer held
me. Doctor held me. We made the plan through tears and
shock. But we had a plan. My life is a plan. I am a planner and we had a plan and that
comforted me in some absurd way. I was
terrified but we had a plan. Lovely
doctor left the room and Jeremy just held me.
Thank you Jesus for allowing him to be there that day. Don’t know what I would have done without him
there.
The next two days were brutally beautiful.
Jer and I drove home in shock and awe. Tears streaming down our faces but no words
being said. We came in the house and I
bolted upstairs. I needed to hide. He stayed and slammed counters and did what
he had to do. He came upstairs and just
sat. Together. Silently praying together for something,
anything.
I called my
sister. She told work to eff off and
hightailed it to our house. I love the
sound of that black civics wheels squealing to park outside our house. Everyone needs a sister in a black civic I
decidedJ I began to text and call some of my nearest
and dearest. Then I needed a break.
Sister came in and we cried.
We stared at the ceiling. I made
stupid comments about how cute she looked in her mint and black outfit, which
were just empty comments that she shrugged at.
I tried to change the subject. We
both did. We didn’t want what was
slapping us in the face to hurt us too bad.
Here’s the deal with my sissy. My
life is her life and her life is mine.
She hurts, I hurt and then I hurt the person who made her hurt. I hurt and she does the same thing. Something good happens to one of us, it
happens to both of us. So I knew she was
feeling the same panic, confusion and anger and hurt I was feeling.
My mother in law came over.
She held me and we both cried.
She knew exactly how I was feeling and held me up. Talked me off the ledge-randomly through out
the night actually. Thanks Pammy.
At this point, the hospital called. They found out I was catholic and said that
in the surgical room they would have a priest bless our little bean before they
disposed of it. Eff me. This is really happening. I was officially pissed and sad and yet so
grateful that they even thought of that.
My mom came over and did exactly what her gift is when shit
hits the fan. She dusted. Brought food.
Chatted. Watched and loved on
Piper while I couldn’t even look at her out of embarrassment. Made me laugh.
My grandma came over.
Frigging grandma. That woman sees
through my soul with her eyes. She knew
the exact pain I was feeling somehow and sobbed with me. At one point I remember her holding me and I
just went into a daze. A weird “out of
my body” daze. She grabbed my face with
tears streaming down hers. “I love you
my Amy. This is awful but we’ll be
okay. We’ll make it. I love you.
I. Love. You.
Im so sorry.” Back to holding me
and I just remember her smell calming me.
Throughout the day her grandma smell clung to my shirt and hair. I clung onto that smell when my mind would
wander. Weird? Probably.
But I was clinging onto anything and everything that made me feel good
and at that point, it was grandmas comforting smell.
Sondra brought me food for dinner. She held me and cried with me. Told me words I needed to hear. The troops were being rallied. My net was piecing itself together. They were loaning me their brave hearts while
mine was being crushed.
I remember being nervous about telling people about this
pregnancy and I remember saying, “No. If
nothing happens than they rejoice and celebrate with me. If something bad happens, I need them. I can’t do life alone. I need my close friends and family. Through thick and thin.” It’s weird thinking back to that moment and
now seeing it come full circle.
Texts streamed in.
People left. I needed them and
wanted them to leave. I needed this time
with Piper. Bath time and bedtime with
my first miracle. She didn’t get a
decent mama all day. We needed each
other bad.
Piper fell asleep and the ugliness came out. And at the same time, I knew I needed to feel
it. I needed to call my aunt Kathy and
dear friend to cry with. Let out my
feelings too. I needed to cry from deep
within my soul and feel that darkness. I
wanted it. I wanted to not catch my
breath. I wanted to binge eat on
delicious food that was brought earlier, only to throw it up from crying so
hard. Then eat more just before midnight
when I wasn’t to eat anything else before surgery the next day. I wanted to experience the pain. I needed to remember this moment, for when I
would come out of it and see life’s beauty again, I could really appreciate it.
***
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
I woke up feeling refreshed and calm. So undeniably nervous about what was to come
but I just wanted it over with already.
We went to the hospital and while we were there I watched
people. I looked in their eyes and they
looked into mine. We each had a
story. A man came over and prayed over
the most gentle and happy looking man.
He stared into my soul as he was listening to the prayer for him. That same man, with his crooked smile and
blue eyes that watered every once in a while, ended up being in the preop bed
across from mine. We needed each other’s
presence. Liza walked us back. Interestingly enough, if our next baby was a
girl I wanted to name her Liza. Sorry Jeremy,
my mind is officially made up.
Girl=Liza. She looked into my
eyes and I saw her kind soul through hers.
Nurses came in. One
named Rachel and the other named Jill, two of my dearest friends names. One was from Boston, where another dear
friend lives. The other from Nebraska,
where one of Jeremy’s dear friends lives.
My surgical room was number “one three” as the nurses said. My lucky number is 13. Interesting, don’t you think? I think there was divine intervention there
from someone upstairs.
Dr. Langer came in.
Explained the process. Held my
hand. This woman brought my Piper into
the world and she is now sending my other little miracle off to the other
side. Sacred f*&$ing bond right
there. Bless her.
I went in and came out fine.
It was closure. I cant say how I
will feel tomorrow or two months down the road.
But when I knew my little was still inside me, I felt I still needed to
do something to help. Now with it
complete and out, I knew I couldn’t do anything. He/she was officially off to the other side.
I am confident that our family’s guardian angels brought my
little bean to the other side and swaddled it and comforted it like I would
have done coming home from the hospital.
Except he’s off to another home, waiting for mama and daddy and his
sister to join him. (Yes, I call it a
him. Im losing my frigging mind, gimme a
break, eh?) Jeremy’s Aunt Suki is holding
his hand and reading him stories. My
Grandma Sue probably did the swaddling since she was so good with itty bitty
babies. My Grandpa Bill grabbed him and
smothered him in the wet kisses I would give anything to feel again. They’re there, I know they are. All together loving our little one and
watching over us telling us that it’s okay.
That brings us to the present. It’s midnight and I’m pounding on keys like
rapid fire to get everything on paper.
My baby love is sleeping in her toddler bed and my husband is talking in
his sleep about who the heck knows.
I want to thank everyone for the visits, the talks in the
late hours of the night, the constant text messages from me as I was losing my
mind, the food, but most of all the love and prayers we received. I could literally feel people’s prayers this
morning when I woke up. They got me out
of bed and helped me put one foot in front of the other.
I didn’t write this to get sympathy or attention. I wrote this because there was beauty in this
hell-hole of a situation. I also got
comfort knowing that I wasn’t the only one in the world that this happened to,
and if someone out there is reading this that experienced it too, you’re not
alone! And if you’re reading this and
know of someone that experiences this in the future, please know that the
persons mind goes to all different places.
Weird thoughts, dark thoughts, embarrassing thoughts, thoughts that
don’t make sense and we cant even explain why we’re thinking it. Don’t judge them or make them feel
guilty. You don’t even have to say
anything. Just be there. Just cry and laugh and break things and cuss
with them. Let them borrow your heart
for a bit while theirs is mending and piecing itself back together.
To my net, I love you all and thank you from the bottom of
my heart. I don’t know what I’d do
without each and every one of you.
To my Jeremy, you’re my rock and my knight in shining
armor. Trials and tribulations
baby. Ride or die bitchJ I love you and thank you for making me a mama
to our two littles.
To my Piper, I love you and you are my sunshine. You made me so so happy when my skies were so
dark and gray. I pray to the Lord above
you never have to experience this, but if it’s in your plan, know that I love
you and will do anything to take away the pain.
My buggy, you are perfection.
Love you to the dwarf planets and back.
