two.thousand.thirteen.

2013.  What a year you were!

I do remember on January 1st of 2013, I wrote and thought about how awesome this year will be, seeing as how 13 is my lucky number.  This year has brought many experiences but all in all, it truly was awesome.

Let me tell you about some things that I learned this past year, and yes, some things are about myself.

1.  I am one tough b!tch.  No other way to put it quite frankly.  I went through the trenches emotionally and mentally this year, and I am still proudly standing right freaking here.

2.  To get the negative out of your life, is really quite easy.  Say goodbye to the people or things that are so negative and move on.  Just move on and don't look back.  What is coming in the future is far better than dwelling on the past.

3.  With our summer sadness, I learned a lot about the people I surround myself with.  I saw people's true colors and then I was able to keep surrounding myself with them or not.

4.  Losing a child, no matter how big or small or young or old they are, flat out sucks.  I also learned how many people have had to experience that and I can see how it has changed them.  You become a bit hardened and yet can crumble at any unexpected point in the day.  But each of those people that I learned about, always found a way to pick themselves up and keep going.  That is strength right there.

5.  There is a big difference between 21 year olds and 30 year old.  BIG difference!  I thank those of you who continued to be my friend when I was 21/22, ha!

6.  Blood is thicker than water, and remember where your loyalties stand...I was feelin' my Italian roots on that one.  How badly I want to be a mafia princess;)

7.  Raising a child is frigging tough work.  Cheers to the single mommies and daddies out there.  I don't know how you do it independently!

8.  Terrible twos are for realsies.

9.  Music is therapy.  I always knew that, but this year, music has done so much for me.  Made me cry when I needed to, dance when I needed to, get angry when I needed to and watching Piper move her cute lil tushy to the beat of a song melts me to my core.

10.  True friendships are like gold.  I hold all of my dearest friends so close to my heart and I love that true friends can tell you to knock off your shit, laugh with you until you cry, send you snail mail since you love receiving packages, will answer the phone when you call at 3 am, cry and pray with you when you are down and out, or get ya liquored up and get in trouble with you.

11.  Think before you speak.  Like, all the frigging time.

12.  One of the hardest things to do in the entire world, is drop your child off at preschool that first week.  Just rip my heart out and stomp on it, why don't you?!

13.  Life is too short to stress about all the bullshit.  Just enjoy.

I have learned much more than that this year, but I feel it appropriate to stop at lucky number 13.

January 1st, 2013 I thought all positive things would happen.  Here on December 31st, 2013-my due date-I realize that this has been the roughest year of my life, but dammit it was a beautiful ride.  Here's to you 2013.  I have a smile on my face, tears rolling down my cheeks and a middle finger up in the air at ya.  You devilish 2013.  You were a year we will never forget.  CHEERS!

It Only Took Me Two and a Half Years...

Oh yes.  I think I finally have it people!  Two years ago my sister got married and I was the matron of honor. I was so excited, so happy for her and it was the most beautiful wedding ever....except one little, tiny, and yet very important thing.  My speech.  Dudes and dudettes, it was AWFUL!  Not even just a little bad, but "super-embarassing-I-still-have-nightmares" bad.

Christy's speech at our wedding was remarkable.  It was silly and yet brought tears to everyones eyes.  It was perfect and just what I had hoped for.  The funny thing is that she hadn't written her speech until after the ceremony.  So naturally when it comes time to Christy and Matt's wedding I think to myself, "Ballin!  I got this.  It will all come naturally and spew from me like a beautiful poem."  No preparation for this sucker, which is totally not like me.  And boy did it show!  Rookie mistake, Amy.

So now ladies and gentlemen, but most importantly Mr. & Mrs. George, here is what I was trying to say, wanting to say and yet didn't have the words at the moment.  Forgive me and I hope this is so much better than the actual thing...actually let's just forget the first one happened and remember this as what really happened!:)

Good evening everyone and thank you for attending this absolutely beautiful event honoring the love that Christy and Matt have for each other.  

Tonight I want to share a little history about my sister, Christy.  We are very close now, but we weren't always that way.  We, as sisters do, went through some rough patches growing up.  I remember having friends over for slumber parties and shopping at the mall and who just had to be with us?  Christy.  Everywhere we went she was there.  Sometimes she was in a good mood but sometimes she was being a little sister that tagged along and tried to make my time with my friends anything but fantastic.  

During my time with Christy she may have been annoying at times and we may have wanted to strangle each other once in a while but one thing always stayed the same.  She was always there.  She was always there, whether it was a good day or bad day.  Whether I was frustrated, or annoyed or happy, she was always there.  Yes she was there physically, but mostly she was there emotionally and always willing to cheer me up, make me laugh or be my partner in crime.  She was there.

When she started bringing Mr. Matthew around, I never felt that he was taking her away from the family or myself.  Rather, she was still there and she brought around a fabulous addition.  The two of them now continued to be there, together.  I mean, hell, we all lived together for a while...best years of our lives I might add.  I don't know how we survived the craziness.  Gosh we made some amazing memories that still make me bust up laughing out of nowhere.  

Watching them together and being able to witness their love grow stronger each day, I have seen how loyal they are to their friends, family and each other.  They are always there for other people, but it is so nice to see that they are always there for each other.  They are a team.  They are loyal.  They take pride in each other and smile when the other half walks into the room.  They are fine when they aren't together, but when they are together a little magic seems to be present.  They are that much better together.  

Matt and Christy, Mr & Mrs George, as you go on this journey of marriage together, continue to remember to "be there" for each other through all the shitty times and all the glorious times.  All of us here at your wedding, are also here to let you know that we will "be there" for the two of you as well.  You are always here for us and in return we are here for you.  We promise to be there in times of celebration, in times of mourning, and all the time in between.  We will "be there" for you.

Let us now raise a toast to two of the most loyal and loving people we know.  And let us promise to be present in all the fun, dancing, eating and drinking tonight.  The night we celebrate Mr. & Mrs. Matthew George.  

CHEERS!

Love you two crazies.  Hope that one was much more worthy of your special night;)

Embracing Summer

I feel it's time to write a new post.  I almost feel guilty though.  It's a weird feeling, quite honestly.  I want to write something else to show everyone that I am ok and life does move on when you can't imagine that it can.  And at the same time, I don't want my last post to get lost in the shuffle.  I want my bean to still be remembered.  We didn't get to meet him in the physical world but I have met him in a spiritual way.  He will always be in Jeremy and my hearts, but still, it's a weird feeling.

After everything that happened, I felt completely embraced by everyone around me.  People I hadn't talked to in years, family members, friends, co-workers, parents of students, even people I have never met but read my blog somehow.  It was quite the overwhelming feeling.  It was amazing.  People shared similar stories and I became part of a "sisterhood".  Never thought I would be a part of that "sisterhood", never even knew there was one, but I look up to and admire every single woman in that sisterhood.  Women are tough I tell you, frigging tough as nails.

As Jeremy, my little angel and I were being embraced by everyone-thank you all by the way for all of your thoughts and prayers.  Each and every single text, email, card, phone call all helped me in ways you couldn't imagine-we were embracing our miracle, Miss Piper!!!  One of my friends had said that life truly is a miracle.  Honestly, from the time of conception to our current state is amazing when you really think of it.  How the heck do we make it this far and achieve so much?  With that being said, we embraced our girl like there was no tomorrow, just today.

We have had so much fun this summer.  The school year can be challenging because I get so caught up in teaching and the kids and the parents and trying to support them, that sometimes I forget to put that much energy into my own family.  My students get the best of me and my family gets the rest of me.  This WILL change by the way:)  Summers are always my time to get together with friends and their kiddos and just enjoy being able to do whatever we want whenever we can!  I love summertime.  And thats a fact.

This summer we have played, had daily dance parties, bowled-totally has to be Piper's next birthday party she loves it so much,  we swim any chance we get since it's so hot, play dates with old friends and their new babies, hang with family members that I don't get a chance to see as often while the school year is happening and Piper even spread her wings and took a gymnastics class.  SO MUCH FUN!  Up next, we are headed to California to hang out on the beach!  I cant wait to get my toes in some sand and salt water.  Oh sweet blissful summer, stay around a bit longer won't ya?  No need to hurry.

Such a sassy pants!

Bike time

Just found this one again.  What the hell happened to my baby??!  Chunky Monkey

Loss of a Little

*Disclaimer: This is raw.  Not eloquently written.  Probably going to be curse words.  You may think less of me, you make think more of me.  At this point, I don’t care.  Writing is my outlet and it’s what I do when the fantastic things happen and the shitty things happen.  You’ve been warned.:)

I’m going to rip it off like a band-aid and just say it.  I had a miscarriage.  Never thought I would ever utter those words.  Ever.  But it happened.

June 3, 2013 will be a day that goes down in history for my family.  We went in for a check up at my doctor’s office with the excitement and nerves that always exist for pregnancy check ups.  After chatting with my doctor about the amount of spotting that was happening she laid me back for the ultrasound to look for more growth and a heart beat. 

I laid back and saw it.  I saw the nothingness.  Heard the white noise of the machine but not of my little beans heartbeat rhythmically beating.  I knew it.  Doctor looked at me with tears in her eyes. 

“Control yourself Amy.  Frigging control yourself.  Not here.  Not now.  You had a gut feeling something was off.  Get your shit together.”

She then proceeded to talk with us so gently and lovingly about how we needed to make a plan.  She said the letters I refused to hear.  “D&C”

“Aw screw this, Amy, let it out!”

And I did.  Jer held me.  Doctor held me.  We made the plan through tears and shock.  But we had a plan.  My life is a plan.  I am a planner and we had a plan and that comforted me in some absurd way.  I was terrified but we had a plan.  Lovely doctor left the room and Jeremy just held me.  Thank you Jesus for allowing him to be there that day.  Don’t know what I would have done without him there.

The next two days were brutally beautiful.

Jer and I drove home in shock and awe.  Tears streaming down our faces but no words being said.  We came in the house and I bolted upstairs.  I needed to hide.  He stayed and slammed counters and did what he had to do.  He came upstairs and just sat.  Together.  Silently praying together for something, anything.

 I called my sister.  She told work to eff off and hightailed it to our house.  I love the sound of that black civics wheels squealing to park outside our house.  Everyone needs a sister in a black civic I decidedJ  I began to text and call some of my nearest and dearest.   Then I needed a break.

Sister came in and we cried.  We stared at the ceiling.  I made stupid comments about how cute she looked in her mint and black outfit, which were just empty comments that she shrugged at.  I tried to change the subject.  We both did.  We didn’t want what was slapping us in the face to hurt us too bad.  Here’s the deal with my sissy.  My life is her life and her life is mine.  She hurts, I hurt and then I hurt the person who made her hurt.  I hurt and she does the same thing.  Something good happens to one of us, it happens to both of us.  So I knew she was feeling the same panic, confusion and anger and hurt I was feeling. 

My mother in law came over.  She held me and we both cried.  She knew exactly how I was feeling and held me up.  Talked me off the ledge-randomly through out the night actually.  Thanks Pammy. 

At this point, the hospital called.  They found out I was catholic and said that in the surgical room they would have a priest bless our little bean before they disposed of it.  Eff me.  This is really happening.  I was officially pissed and sad and yet so grateful that they even thought of that.

My mom came over and did exactly what her gift is when shit hits the fan.  She dusted.  Brought food.  Chatted.  Watched and loved on Piper while I couldn’t even look at her out of embarrassment.  Made me laugh.

My grandma came over.  Frigging grandma.  That woman sees through my soul with her eyes.  She knew the exact pain I was feeling somehow and sobbed with me.  At one point I remember her holding me and I just went into a daze.  A weird “out of my body” daze.  She grabbed my face with tears streaming down hers.  “I love you my Amy.  This is awful but we’ll be okay.  We’ll make it.  I love you.  I.  Love.  You.  Im so sorry.”  Back to holding me and I just remember her smell calming me.  Throughout the day her grandma smell clung to my shirt and hair.  I clung onto that smell when my mind would wander.  Weird?  Probably.  But I was clinging onto anything and everything that made me feel good and at that point, it was grandmas comforting smell.

Sondra brought me food for dinner.  She held me and cried with me.  Told me words I needed to hear.  The troops were being rallied.  My net was piecing itself together.  They were loaning me their brave hearts while mine was being crushed.

I remember being nervous about telling people about this pregnancy and I remember saying, “No.  If nothing happens than they rejoice and celebrate with me.  If something bad happens, I need them.  I can’t do life alone.  I need my close friends and family.  Through thick and thin.”  It’s weird thinking back to that moment and now seeing it come full circle.

Texts streamed in.  People left.  I needed them and wanted them to leave.  I needed this time with Piper.  Bath time and bedtime with my first miracle.  She didn’t get a decent mama all day.  We needed each other bad.

Piper fell asleep and the ugliness came out.  And at the same time, I knew I needed to feel it.  I needed to call my aunt Kathy and dear friend to cry with.  Let out my feelings too.  I needed to cry from deep within my soul and feel that darkness.  I wanted it.  I wanted to not catch my breath.  I wanted to binge eat on delicious food that was brought earlier, only to throw it up from crying so hard.  Then eat more just before midnight when I wasn’t to eat anything else before surgery the next day.  I wanted to experience the pain.  I needed to remember this moment, for when I would come out of it and see life’s beauty again, I could really appreciate it.

***

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I woke up feeling refreshed and calm.  So undeniably nervous about what was to come but I just wanted it over with already.

We went to the hospital and while we were there I watched people.  I looked in their eyes and they looked into mine.  We each had a story.  A man came over and prayed over the most gentle and happy looking man.  He stared into my soul as he was listening to the prayer for him.  That same man, with his crooked smile and blue eyes that watered every once in a while, ended up being in the preop bed across from mine.  We needed each other’s presence.   Liza walked us back.  Interestingly enough, if our next baby was a girl I wanted to name her Liza.  Sorry Jeremy, my mind is officially made up.  Girl=Liza.  She looked into my eyes and I saw her kind soul through hers.

Nurses came in.  One named Rachel and the other named Jill, two of my dearest friends names.  One was from Boston, where another dear friend lives.   The other from Nebraska, where one of Jeremy’s dear friends lives.  My surgical room was number “one three” as the nurses said.  My lucky number is 13.  Interesting, don’t you think?  I think there was divine intervention there from someone upstairs. 

Dr. Langer came in.  Explained the process.  Held my hand.  This woman brought my Piper into the world and she is now sending my other little miracle off to the other side.  Sacred f*&$ing bond right there.  Bless her.

I went in and came out fine.  It was closure.  I cant say how I will feel tomorrow or two months down the road.  But when I knew my little was still inside me, I felt I still needed to do something to help.  Now with it complete and out, I knew I couldn’t do anything.  He/she was officially off to the other side.

I am confident that our family’s guardian angels brought my little bean to the other side and swaddled it and comforted it like I would have done coming home from the hospital.  Except he’s off to another home, waiting for mama and daddy and his sister to join him.  (Yes, I call it a him.  Im losing my frigging mind, gimme a break, eh?)  Jeremy’s Aunt Suki is holding his hand and reading him stories.  My Grandma Sue probably did the swaddling since she was so good with itty bitty babies.  My Grandpa Bill grabbed him and smothered him in the wet kisses I would give anything to feel again.  They’re there, I know they are.  All together loving our little one and watching over us telling us that it’s okay.

That brings us to the present.  It’s midnight and I’m pounding on keys like rapid fire to get everything on paper.  My baby love is sleeping in her toddler bed and my husband is talking in his sleep about who the heck knows.

I want to thank everyone for the visits, the talks in the late hours of the night, the constant text messages from me as I was losing my mind, the food, but most of all the love and prayers we received.  I could literally feel people’s prayers this morning when I woke up.  They got me out of bed and helped me put one foot in front of the other. 

I didn’t write this to get sympathy or attention.  I wrote this because there was beauty in this hell-hole of a situation.  I also got comfort knowing that I wasn’t the only one in the world that this happened to, and if someone out there is reading this that experienced it too, you’re not alone!  And if you’re reading this and know of someone that experiences this in the future, please know that the persons mind goes to all different places.  Weird thoughts, dark thoughts, embarrassing thoughts, thoughts that don’t make sense and we cant even explain why we’re thinking it.  Don’t judge them or make them feel guilty.  You don’t even have to say anything.  Just be there.  Just cry and laugh and break things and cuss with them.  Let them borrow your heart for a bit while theirs is mending and piecing itself back together.

To my net, I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I don’t know what I’d do without each and every one of you.

To my Jeremy, you’re my rock and my knight in shining armor.  Trials and tribulations baby.  Ride or die bitchJ  I love you and thank you for making me a mama to our two littles.

To my Piper, I love you and you are my sunshine.  You made me so so happy when my skies were so dark and gray.  I pray to the Lord above you never have to experience this, but if it’s in your plan, know that I love you and will do anything to take away the pain.  My buggy, you are perfection.  Love you to the dwarf planets and back.

T.W.O.

Dear Piper,
Right now, you are sleeping peacefully in your toddler bed as a one year old.  Tomorrow morning at 9:25 you will be a two year old!  

I can not believe how fast the past two years have gone.  I have to tell you that in my entire life, I am most proud of you.  You absolutely amaze me.  

This past year you have grown so much into a little girl and have totally left being a baby in the dust.  It's so very exciting to watch you grow and learn so much!  It's also a bit sad.  You're no longer my little chunky monkey that I can easily carry you on my hip, put you in a crib or bouncy or even have to feed you!  You're a growing girl that leaves both Daddy and I more thankful for you each and every day.

Piper, the past few weeks, I would catch myself saying a certain something that I am now embarrassed to even admit to.  When talking to friends or family I would find myself saying, "I wish she was more...." or "I wish she didn't....".  Then I came to realize something.  The things I wished to change about you were YOU.  YOU are my girl that is so so shy when you are around people.  Yes, I wished it wouldn't take you two hours to warm up to them, but now I think, hell no that's you being YOU.  I want you to BE YOURSELF.  I want you to always be comfortable in your own skin whether that means you are shy, silly, dresses super quirky or whatever it may be in the future.  My wish, as your mother, is that you always feel happy and loved, but ultimately you can't feel that way if you are being someone else.  Girlfriend you are one unique little girl and I love you for that.  You are You and I want you to be just that.  YOU!

I love you buggy for all that you are.  I am so excited to see what this coming year brings for you.  Lots of changes including going to 'school' and making friends.

I love you forever and then some,
Mom

I'm a what? A real MOM!

There are moments during the day that I honestly have to stop and remind myself, Amy, you're a mom.  You really are one!  I have wanted to be a mom since I could remember.  I always had a baby doll, a stroller, carriage, baby bag, my sister and I would even make pretend baby food.  I always thought I would get married and have a baby when I was 21.  Not sure why I chose 21, but I did.  Obviously that didn't go to plan since I went to college, got a job and then married.  Just wasn't ready for it at 21 like I always had thought.  Then, it took us a while to actually get pregnant and that absolutely terrified me.  How could I want something so bad all my life and struggle to get it, but people who don't even want to have a baby can make one in one night by accident?  I still struggle with that one every once in a while-I will now move on since our prayers were answered!;)

Now, that I am one it's the hardest flipping job out there, but lord almighty it is the best one around.  When this little girl looks up at me with that beautiful smile, the smile that I had dreamt about when I was pregnant with her, it absolutely melts me.  Melts me to my core.  All is well with the world when I see that stinkin' smile:)

Moments that remind me I'm a mom:

Holding her when she is sick or hurt.  All she wants is her mom.  That's me!  I am hers, all hers.

Walking into my in laws house today when my mother in law asks, "Piper who is that?"  And her response, "MAMA!!"  Ah, be still my heart.

Having my morning coffee on the weekends and hearing her feet running around upstairs, yelling at the dog and then peeking around the corner with her sweet squeaky voice saying, "Hewwooo".

Sitting at the dinner table, saying prayers and hearing her say, "Father, Son, Holy Spirit."  And shouting, "AMEN!"  My big girl making me proud.

Saying mealtime prayer.  

Oh Piper girl, you frustrate me and challenge me every day.  But dammit, you are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I love you with every ounce of my being.

Where Did the Time Go?

Oh my, I just realized that the last time I entered or wrote anything on our family blog was in the FALL!  Well, I will say that I love to write and journal what we are doing on a normal basis, but a little something came along...a little something called "life".  So at this point I shall update!  I really want to try and get back into this as it's something I enjoy, but it becomes harder to do during the school year.  Our schedule gets absolutely crazy.

UpDaTe TiMe!
Jeremy actually went back to working at the hotel.  Back to crazy hours, not having weekends off, and the list goes on.  Not my favorite career field but the man truly enjoys it.

This is how Piper poses when she says, "Pleaaaaaaase".  Lord help us.

I will be leaving first grade next year and moving with my class up to second grade.  I am super excited about the change and am excited to learn, teach and experience a new grade level.  It will be quite a transition tho since I love my current team.  I've always loved them.  I always will love them.  They aren't just teammates, they have become my friends, my "net", the ones I talk to about anything and everything and they are like family.

Piper continues to grow, challenge us, teach us and amaze us every single day.

She is officially a toddler or "big girl".  She's got the attitude of a 16 year old, fashion sense of a diva, heart of gold, loves to share and help her friends.  She is also hilarious.  This kid keeps us laughing every day.

This girl loves her doll she named, Penelope.  I love how Piper shows her love to this doll.  She is such a good "mommy".  

On the topic of Piper girl, I go through phases where I really think I'm doing something wrong.  I didn't handle a tantrum the right way, I lost my cool, I should be teaching her more manners and be more diligent with holding her to them, I should read more books to her, I should expose her to different foods, and the list goes on.  The other day, I saw a poster that said, "Behind every great kid is a mom who thinks she's doing it wrong".  Sadly enough, my eyes started to fill with tears.  Maybe I shouldn't look at all the things she is doing wrong or I am doing wrong, but look at how far she has come.  I love this girl so flipping much and I just want her to be an amazing child, young woman and lady.  Sometimes there just is a lot of pressure on us moms.  And I'm pretty sure we put that pressure on ourselves.;)

This next coming summer and school year will hold lots of new experiences for our family, and my goal is to get back into the "blogging" swing of things to record all of the crazy moments!