Tuesday, June 3, 2014

365 Days

Welp, it's been one full year since we found out we gained an angel baby.  365 days of change and growth for this amazing little family of mine.  One big change is that I am pregnant once again.  It is exciting and yet terrifying at the same time.  I am constantly scared of using the restroom just in case I may see spotting or something that shows me something is wrong.  The good thing is, this little dude moves all the freaking time!  He is currently making the left side of my stomach go straight up-it is rather entertaining.

Another change that I have noticed in myself, is that I feel a bit "hardened".  I tend to not have as much patience with adults, but I am overly patient with children-odd I know.  I just can't stand grown adults that are fake and negative.  Ironic since some may now see me as negative, I mean I am admitting that I have "hardened".  I just don't have time for petty bullshit and I can't stand watching people try to bullshit me.  I can see right through it.  I have, in this past year, made a point of speaking my mind...some don't enjoy that new part of me, they miss the quiet Aimo, whatevs!

The last change I have noticed is that I can be totally fine without thinking about our little angel boy and then one day, I crack and break and I can't seem to function.  It had taken us forever to pick out a crib for our 3rd gift from God.  Finally, Jeremy sat me down and just kind of said it like it is, "What the hell Mo?  It's a crib!"  But I realized it wasn't JUST a crib!  Are we rushing this?  What if something happens in the next few weeks and I have to see where he was going to sleep every frigging day?  Am I jinxing it?  Should we just wait until we have him in our arms?  What the hell do I do??  Jeremy, used to my meltdowns and random rants, very gently said, "Fish.  Fuck It, Shit Happens.  If something happens then it happens.  We have to have faith that what will be, will be and we can't be living the next few months in fear."  Amen dude!  Jeez louise, I love that guy.  And I couldn't believe he dropped my "fish" line.  He makes me smile:)  *On another note, call me crazy but I refuse to have a baby shower.  I can't celebrate him until he is healthy and with me.  I just can't do it.  I was able to get the crib and set up a room, but the shower must wait until after his birthday.  I get excited when I see baby clothes and goodies only to sit there and think twice about removing the tags and then spiraling into the "what if" thoughts.   

And now I shall end this entry with a dream that I had and only shared with a few people.  If you didn't know, I get crazy dreams, often with deceased people in them who need me to pass on a message and I LOVE these dreams.  Sometimes I don't know what the dreams mean right away, but after thinking it out or talking with someone else who knew the person, it all makes sense.  I also have dreams about people being pregnant before they even make the announcement.  I have been right many MaNy times:)

Okay, so my dream.  I had the surgery on a Tuesday and that Friday I had THE DREAM.  In this dream, I can see Archangel Gabriel.  I couldn't even tell you how I knew it was him, I just knew.  I could see he was kneeling down and holding a baby, swaddled in a blue blanket.  This is how I know our angel baby is a boy.  He is kneeling holding this baby, but as I look at the baby it isn't a teeny tiny babe it is a full sized healthy baby moving around and calmly sleeping.  The angel doesn't look up at me at all, he keeps his gaze directly on the baby and continues to rock him back and forth, back and forth.  I remember looking at the baby and stepping back.  The angel had the most magnificent wings you could ever imagine.  They were humungous compared to the man they were attached to and shimmering colors that words can't even describe.  It was like a blue/green/purple/crystal/shimmering/translucent.  Unbelievable actually.  Then I woke up.  I woke up with a smile on my face and a sense of peace and reassurance and calm.

I immediately started googling pictures of angels and angel wings and to this day I can NOT find anything like I saw.  No picture even comes close to the angel in my dream.  I also searched Archangel Gabriel and found that Gabriel is who mothers actually pray to when they are concerned about their children when moving or experiencing something new in a new and strange place.  Pray to him for your children to find comfort and a sense of safety and belonging.  Well shut the front door!!  That dream alone had brought me so much clarity and a sense of "he's okay, he is where he needs to be" and acceptance.  It's also how we came up with his name, Gabriel Boston Hornbeck.  Gabriel from my dream and Boston because it is our happy place.  I also traveled to Boston soon after gaining an angel, with my dear friend Rachel for a school conference.  It was just what I needed.  Good food, a feeling of independence and freedom, solid girl time and amazing sights.  

Thank you God for allowing me to have these dreams, especially that one in particular!

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell him about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold him on your lap and tell him about me?"  -sayinggoodbye.org

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your feelings Amy. You are a awesome young lady, daughter, mother, wife, sister, niece, daughter in law, cousin, Granddaughter, teacher and most of all a child of God. You,Jeremy, Piper and Gabriel Boston, and baby Hornbeck are so loved by all of us. Hugs, Grandma

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  2. You always write so others can relate Amy, I appreciate and admire that about you. Thank you for sharing!

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  3. Hilarious. Heartbreaking. Beautiful. Honest. Sending lots of happy vibes your way, mamma.

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  4. Absolutely love everything about this... So real and so relatable. Love you!

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